WEDDING CEREMONY FOR BLENDED FAMILIES
by Becki Van Horn
As
a wedding officiant who does a lot of second weddings, I am often asked “How
can we include the children from our previous marriage into the wedding
ceremony”. This can be a very tender
issue depending on how old the children are and how receptive they are to the
new step-parent coming into the mix. Small children are often more welcoming because they don’t yet
understand the emotional and stressful aspects that have come into play in the
previous breakup and the more attention they receive from another “parent”
figure, the better, in their minds.
Teenage children seem to have the most difficult time and young adult
children seem to deal with it the best.
Deciding upon ways to involve them in the ceremony really depends on their acceptance
of the situation and their ages.
Small
children love to be a part of the ceremony by being designated “flower girl” or
“ring bearer”. They love the idea that
they can get dressed up and be a part of the big day. With this age group, I like to use a
Children’s Ceremony which is usually best suited in the ceremony right after
the message and before the couple does their personal vows or ring
exchange. The children are called
forward to come and stand in front of the couple. I do a short reading that talks about
children and how important they are to the blended family. Then, the couple presents the children with a
token, such as a necklace, medallion, ring or some other symbol brought by the
couple for each child. As they present
the item to the child, they also recite a line letting the child know how
important and special they are to the new family element. It is a form of acceptance by the new
step-parent so the child feels welcome and not left out since there is a new mom
or dad involved. For older teens, this
sometimes seems a bit juvenile to them. If they are not comfortable with
receiving a gift, then you can just do a reading that offers acceptance to them
into the family and names them each individually. You can also ask them to “stand up” with you
as attendants and if they are old enough, they can sign your license as
witnesses. This is also something you
can do with young adults, but they are usually more accepting of just being
present at the ceremony and don’t feel the need for the formal “ceremony of
acceptance”. Also, older children or
young adults can be asked to walk you down the aisle. They really find this to
be quite special and feel very privileged to do this. Some children, especially
young teens, have a harder time with the new marriage because they like to
believe that the previous marriage would have someday become “fixed”. These children can sometimes rebel and not
want to be a part of the ceremony. I
have had children who were supposed to be in the ceremony and refused to
participate at rehearsal. Usually by the
time the wedding rolls around, they have “warmed up” to the idea because they
see others are excited and happy for the couple. Don’t pressure them; let them make their own
decision. If they don’t participate at
the rehearsal, don’t make a big deal out of it, let them know it’s ok. If they then decide on the wedding day they
want to be involved, great, it not, forcing them will result in a worse
situation. If they don’t want to
participate, it’s not the end of the world.
They will come around in their own time.
Keep their feelings in mind before you make them do something you will
regret later. Blending families is a challenge on many levels, before, at and after the ceremony. Make the ceremony itself something special, inviting and joyous - something the children will want to be part of, and don't worry - it's a challenge that will be worth the effort.
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